It hurts so so much........ The tears just never seem to end. I never expect such things to be from you, because it hurts even more.

Seriously, i really think i need to vent out here. I really hate the fact that im in this ward. How much i have to go through for a small mistake i have made. Humans aren't perfect and so are you. So many people have done it and yet im the unlucky one to be caught doing it. For this mistake i have made, the senior nurse educator was called down to counsel me for my professional behaviour. Im lucky to have 2 nyp lecturers to be around to back me up, although i knew it was solely my fault for doing H/C w/o IMR. For those in nursing should know that this is really something really minor. I just felt super stressed out in this ward, for all the small little things that we do, she will make a big fuss out of it. My nyp lecturers kept asking me if i have any problem in the ward in front of the nurse educator, they knew i have and i have spoken to them about it before. I know they wanted me to voice it out to her. I literally broke down and cried because i really don't feel like saying. I don't want to be penalised for more stuffs, so i just cried. I really hate her for being so fake, acting like she is really concern about us. I know its my fucking fault, you don't have to repeat it AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Its really a very bad day for me. I don't feel like taking about it. Just felt super demoralised after hearing what mike told my friend. WTF la. KIV 5-6 potential failures. We only have 11 people under her. Thats like equilavent to failing half of us. And whats worst, i did something wrong today. Not a major mistake but the scolding from sister puni was bad enough. That just made me into the list.

So many thoughts went through my mind on my way home. I keep asking myself whether nursing is suitable for me? Why is my PRCP so torturious and others so slack? Why i have to go through all this emotional shit while others can have a great time? Why why why? Why is she such a bitch?

officially missing you

I came across this song and i love the lyrics. Listen it if you have the time.

All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go
‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away
And today I’m officially missin’ you
I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I’ve fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today I’m officially missing you
Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...
All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all, I don’t know you at all
Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby, safe to saythat I-I’m officially missin’ you
Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officiallyWell, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you
Ooh...can’t nobody do it like youS
aid every little thing you do, hey, babySaid it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...It’s official
Hoo, you know that I’m missin’ you, yeah, yes
All I hear is raindrops, oh, yeahAnd I-I’m officially missin’ you


PPS: IM OFFICIALLY MISSING YOU

Tired and happy day

Today's breakfast bought by bb yesterday=) Cookie is interested in it too. Breadtalk's pork floss is total love. After work met up with bb to have dinner at yong tau foo again. Then we went ECP to cycle. We shared the same bike and i totally enjoyed the cycling session with him. We cycled to bedok jetty and this is what we saw. So nice!!!

Blur pic of us because its taken from lousy iphone camera.

Finally my big eye lens arrived. Happy happy day for me. Thank you baby.

It was a very very busy day for me in the ward. Its the freaking first time i took 6 patients. Nobody to really help me much, but i learnt all the things by myself. My nyp lecturer came down and spoke to me. At least i know NYP is doing something. After work headed home then met up with bb to go bugis because he wanna see his shoes. Then went town to meet up with my girlfriends. Bb didn't wanna eat so he left us alone and went to roam around town.=( Teppanyaki at wisma with them.

I went home to try on this dress i bought from jos and i totally dig it and love it=) HAHA

Weekend was GREAT, it was so long since i had my fri, sat and sunday free.

Friday bb brought me to bedok simpang to eat this heavenly yong tau foo. Its damn unqiue because its in some dry chilli sauce. ITS FREAKING NICE I SWEAR. Then home to do some crazy stuffs. LOL. Night was MJ-ING at ah nard's place. Not me but bb. I went there practically to sleep.

I got a mad bb.Just look at the pictures and you will know what i meant. LOL

Saturday morning met up with ah nard and bb's auntie for some ping pong session. Ok, i sat there only because i don't know how to play.

Then went to fetch bb's grandma for lunch. She is so grumpy. LOL. I've never seen an old lady like that before. Im glad bb forgived her. HAPPY for him. Then night time went chinatown to walk walk.

Sunday bb accompanied me for family dinner at furama's. We had a great time=) Im so happy being with him.=) I know he is happy too.

Walking chinatown every year during the chinese new year is a love and hate thing. As i walk pass every shops, the flashbacks just keep coming in. I held back my tears because i don't wanna spoil his day. That very place is the last best memory i had with my mom. It is getting more and more vague, i don't wanna lose it. I wanna hold on tight to those memories i had with her. The more i think, the more painful it gets. I don't wanna feel sad but i just can't help it.

Sometimes, i just wish she is still around to listen to all my ups and downs.
Sometimes i wish her nagging lingers
Sometimes i wish my phone rings with the word "mom"
Sometimes i wish in the middle of the night there is someone to cover blanket for me.

It will never happen anymore. I miss her so so much.

Ok, im doing my second round of night now. Just finished my supper with seow seow. We cooked taiwan noodles with very nice shitake mushroom meat balls. We had extra packets of jack and jills potato chips from ward 18 student. HAHA. I went there to borrow bladder scan and she just gave it to me. My night is so peacful, can something happening happen?

Anyway, i know you read my blog, so this is seriously going out to you. Get a life please, you don't have to log into people's msn to talk to me. Stop disturbing us!!!!! Its only 0245hrs, 5 more hours before i end work. =(

Some of the photos we took yesterday during break.

I woke up at 4pm and i cannot get back to sleep. How annoying is that. Im so sure im gonna be damn tired tonight.

Sometimes i really wish you are someone simple. Someone i can lean on and not think about what so ever that comes out from my mouth.Your words always hurt me in a way or two. Or maybe more? I have no idea. Maybe im too crude?? I don't know. Too tired to think about it. Im going off to sleep.

1st night was pretty alright with ms seow seow. Actually night time pass pretty fast. Because we have hypocount at 10, then para para para, break and have so much nonsense, then changing, then para again, then met up with baby supposingly to have breakfast but i was too full.Bb is just so sweet because we met up just for that maybe 15 mins? We sat at starbucks and talk nonsense once again. Seeing him really makes my day a tad happier. He ended my night shift with a smile on my face=) Then home sweet home to sleep until 5. Woke up hearing his voice, makes me so warm at heart.

Today's gonna be my first night duty.

Items to prepare
- bb's godly stuff( i dun wanna see ghost) HAHA
- snacks and more snacks( im bringing my yan yan there)
- the usual essentials

I've only completed the 3/4 of my case presentation. As usual, im lazy and therefore im going to sleep now to prepare for the night. BYE.

Ok, i suddenly have so many things to blog. My weekend was fabulous with bb. I love weekends with him=)

Friday

- Bb stayed over at my place for some masking session. HAHA. Just look at him=)

Saturday

-Afternoon shift after that met up with bb for some bowling sessions at tampinese safra. I literally doze off while he was playing. Freaking tired pls.

Sunday

- Sentosa with bb

- Watched movie with his sissy and his cousin.

Today, I felt so mission accomplished. I actually did so many things for my patient. Im beginning to feel that i can function like a staff nurse. Like after so long..... Today, we bought ballons and made so many funny things to put on cookie. HAHA. He look so damn adorable.

I just received a msg from my friend, she told me that one of my patient just passed away. His condition deteriorated so fast. When i went for work, his Spo2 was flatuating, maximal ward management with DDIL AND DNR . Now, he is no longer around. Thats how fast life ended. =(

Met up with bb just now, we wanted to catch a movie in town but the show we wanted was kinda late so we ended up in kallang strolling. I love strolls with him. He is lying next to me snoring like a pig now.

I just realised i won't be starting my official work until maybe like june. Went for my uniform fitting with wenyi, and we shared our spooky experience in the toilet.SO SCARY!!!! I will be doing my night duty with her next week.Im kinda looking forward to the sleeping day and DO,DO. Hopefully my night duty is peacful. I feel so sick to work on a saturday=(

I wish you are the one to listen to me whine, but i guess i will no longer do that. To be frank, i don't wanna add more burden to you. Sometimes i really wish im stronger. 6 more weeks and off i go. I really hope i will be happier after 6 weeks.

Im so totoally in love with this song.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere'
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear'
Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad'
Til I look at my hands and feel sad'
Cause the spaces between my fingersAre right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days'Cause cold nostalgiaChills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilightI
'll sit on the front porch all nightWaist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so aloneI don't feel so alone,
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blinkI'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight
When violet eyes get
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reachBack through the pastI'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here


PS: baby i miss you so.........

As far as im concern, i know i won't fail this stupid posting. So i will just endure it till the end unless that bitch is making my life difficult in anyway.I still have a few more assignments to be graded by her thats all. Im telling myself once again. " I MUST NOT MAKE ANY MEDICATION ERROR OR COMPROMISE PATIENT'S SAFETY" Then im good to go, at least not seeing her face.

Well, on the brighter side im looking forward to the month of march. Flying off to bkk with tinggy on the 21st of march. Everything is booked and confirmed. Im pretty much excited about it. I want to shop till i drop. Im pretty much very broke now because im saving all my money to that 3 days of endless shopping. I've yet to plan the china trip which i think i should too. Im still looking out for cheap cheap fares!!!!! I love scouting for cheap air tickets. Im still thinking of going beijing or shanghai after fuzhou. I definetly have to go fuzhou, because i don't have a choice to choose. Daddy wants to go there cause afterall its our so called hometown. Not that i bother about it at all.

2010 is not a good year for me. I have been so emotional these few days. I keep reminding myself this is gonna be over soon, in about 30 more days or so i will be graduating. I should be strong to swallow her nonsense. Just felt that its really unfair of her to judge me in that way. I really had no choice but to call my mentor. I literally broke down and cried to her. Thanks for hearing me out, MS K. I don't need a change of ward, but just peace in working( its really good enough). I really just don't understand why must she do this to all of us? Bringing us down and making us so miserable. I seriously dread going to work everyday, and that passion in nursing is slowly fading away in me. I really don't want that to happen just because of her. I used to remember how much i really wanted this as a job but now i just wanna get 30k and pay back the bond. It sucks so much to go to work everyday. I've never felt that way for the past three years, none of the wards i've went to make me felt that way. I guess its not the ward problem, its her problem. I should get up from my feet, tell myself im strong. I wanna be a nurse because i wanna make a difference. I really don't ask for much, but a sincere thank you from the patient makes all the shitty hours worth it. I cross my fingers that i won't go back to the same ward.

Enough of my ranting, just wanna thank bb for hearing me out and being there for me. Yesterday timbre took my mind off a while. I'm really happy being with you.

i love you for loving me
i love you for being there for me
i love you for being you
i love you for your nonsense( the rabbit nose,pasta mania) to cheer me up
i love you for the way you plan things ahead
i love you for the things you have done for me
i love you more each day baby